dream....

I had this dream last night, which until now is still so vivid. I remember being on a soccer pitch, playing a match against our juniors from rv who were 2 years younger. And i was someone like gary neville, playing at right back. It's really interesting because the attacks from our juniors were non-existent and i remember rampaging up and down the right flank and i was just enjoying the process of attacking and crossing and playing with my sec4 friends.




It was so incredible, the entire feeling. So real that when i woke up from my dream, i could still feel the adrenalin rush and feel my pulse racing man. I really miss playing soccer. But i also recognise that i have no technique and no skills and no stamina. And i did not expect that i would really miss playing soccer this much. I used to play almost everyday in the past. Not that i was good then, but at that time even though i had no skills still, i was quite clinical in my finishing when i played street soccer. That's when i played at my neighbourhood street soccer court, and teams would just want me on their side so much.



I guess i just have the ramming skills. All the clinical finishing actually came from hours of playing alone. My friend, who stays a few blocks away, would be late consistently for about 30min. Oh on a side note, i also do not understand why most of my male friends are latecomers!!! Zixu yes you. Anyway, i would actually use the time alone to play passing with the wall and just kept shooting into the goal from all angles. When there are teams there, and i get to be with my primary school friend on the same team, we were quite a potent force.



He was the dribbler and would feed me, while i prefer to play it simple by passing and moving around. And we formed a great partnership because we both did what we were good at and we were quite telepathic. All kinds of passes, high passes, low passes, flicks, 1-2s...amazing man. And whenever i strike the ball, and see it lobang the keeper, that feeling is wonderful.



Ok enough about soccer. On sunday, i just went for the Global Day of Prayer at the National Stadium and it's phenomenal. At that event itself, there was probably 20+ thousand people gathered together to worship and to pray. On a global scale, on that day itself, millions of people would be gathering worldwide to pray for their countries and pray for the world. This is the 2nd time that it's held at the national stadium and what a fitting way to have this prayer meeting at our national icon that is going to be torn down soon.

My CG(including those with red shirts looking at the camera) with Pastor Edmund.

Alright..pretty tired already...night

Homosexuals

I went for a conference for youths on saturday called iHope and the guest speaker is Sy Rogers. The amazing thing was that before he became a christian, he was a homosexual. And he was so deeply inside it that when Jesus spoke to him one day in his room, he was on the hospital waiting list to change his gender and has been living and working as a woman for 1 and a half years.

And slowly as he began to give his life to God, God began to help him deal with his sexual sin. And now he's happily married to a wife for 20+ years with a daughter of 21 years old waiting to be married. He has his own ministry, which is to go around the world, helping homosexuals and specialising in dealing with sexual sin. His past was quite traumatic. When he was young, he was sexually abused by someone and his mum died in a car crash due to drink driving. His dad sent him off to live with strangers so that his dad could recover and had some space for a year.

At that age, it felt as if even his father was rejecting him and it hurt him. He lived with ladies and soon he began to pick up their accent, and their mannerisms. So much so that when he went back to stay with his dad, his family was worried and forced him to join manly activities such as horse riding, soccer, mountain climbing, scouts etcetcetc...But even then, everywhere he went, people kept abusing him in school because of his mannerisms and behaviour. They would abuse him in the locker room, at the toilet, at the bus stop, in the bus, in the classrooms, along the corridor...almost everywhere.

Then he left for brazil for an exchange and saw how gays and homosexuals were so popular there. The people he stayed with happened to be actors and actresses. Soon, he had the thought that, since many people think that i'm a homosexual, then i must be a homosexual and thereafter started his gay lifestyle. When he returned to america to study in the university, he would have pple coming up to him, debating with him about gays, have death threats. He basically divided opinions everywhere he went.

Ok to cut the already long story short, after a few years and a stint in the navy, he decided to go for a sex change operation at John Hopkins Hospital and before the surgery, patients had to live for 2 years as a woman first and if they could cope with the emotional changes then the operation would proceed. So 1.5 years later, Sy was in his room, practising a kind of meditation from some religion when he felt the strong presence of God in his room and God speaking to him very clearly, though i forgot what did God say to him.

Anyway, after that experience he still wasn't 100% convinced even though he cried and gave his life to God and while putting on his makeup in the car 3 days later he heard something astonishing on radio. A spokesman from John Hopkins University actually made an announcement that the sex change clinic was closed down because according to their research, those who went through the sex change did not feel much happier, in fact they felt worst.

I left out many parts in between because i forgot some of them but that's the gist of it. He was so into the homosexual lifestyle that he was the best man for 2 of his gay friend's wedding. He would sleep around with strangers etc...

He said something that left an imprint on my heart. Homosexuals do not go to hell because they are homosexuals but because they do not know Christ. What they need is not people debating with them whether homosexuality is right or not, but rather what they need is God. Homosexuality is just another sin, although it's a sexual sin and sexual sins are often the hardest to overcome.

Another thing is that accepting Christ is not entering a state of Nirvana. I dunnoe where people ever get the idea. Accepting Christ does not mean that immediately we become perfect, we dun sin, we stop lying, stop cursing etcetc, but it just means that we are now called God's children. And in God's time, he will deal with the issues and the sins in our lives. Accepting Christ does not mean that all our problems disappear, but that now we have a God that is so real that really loves us so much that he is willing to help us to carry our burdens, and to give us a hope and a future when the world has no hope and no future.

In a way, our lives is just like a book. The ending has already been written. And we just have to walk and live with the end in mind. No matter what happens, as long as we follow and trust god, everyday on earth is already part of eternal life. I have never ever regretted my decision to become a christian, not that i needed a purpose in life. But because of the relationship between me and God, something that is just between me and God.

I also find it funny anyway how people always have this science vs christianity debate, but there's not science vs buddhism, or science vs hinduism, or science vs islam? Or even how pple from other relitions argue so strongly for evolution to disprove christianity that not once did they ponder how their faith and evolution can ever come together.

Disclaimer: This is just some musings and in no way an insult to other religions.

kaka

In September, 2000, at the age of 18, Kaká suffered a career-threatening and possibly paralysis-inducing spine fracture as a result of a pool accident. The worst did not occur, however, and Kaká fully recovered from the incident. One year later Kaká made his comeback on the pitch, when he came in as a reserve-substute in the Tornero Rio Final. His team was down by one goal when the coach decided to put on the reserve, Kaká with 14 minutes left. The commentators were going crazy and said that there was some possibility that the São Paulo coach was crazy, but after two minutes Kaká had scored two goals and taken his team to a victory. He attributes his recovery to God and has since tithed his income to his church.

He is known to sport Christian gear from time to time: he has worn an "I Belong to Jesus" t-shirt on several occasions during matches, such as during the Brazilian team's celebration after their 2002 World Cup victory, and during Milan's Scudetto celebration in May 2004. He wears shoes customised with the same words written on them. Every time he scores he points his fingers to the sky as a sign of thanks to God. He is proud that he was a virgin when he married.

The best image is below though, kneeling in the middle of the pitch, giving thanks to God. I guess what i like so much about him is that he's always so humble, like i mentioned earlier, never once claiming a goal was scored by him, and getting all the glory. Instead, he always thanks God for the goal and credits it to God alone.

I belong to Jesus!

Chasing after worthlessness

Haha!! My mum just chipped off 1 of her tooth while eating those fried fish skin! So now my dad and my mum is has one blank file at the exact same spot!! And tt makes 3 family members with 1 blank file including me! Wee!! Join the party man!

I was reading about the champions league finals when i chanced upon this sentence

=> At the end Kaka slumped to his knees in the centre circle and prayed to the heavens while Inzaghi was enveloped in a sea of white shirts.

Kaka is such a man of God. Everytime he scores a goal, he would point his 2 hands towards heaven in a gesture to thank God for the goal that he scored. Thank God for people of such strong faith in a sport so permeated with scandals and self-glorifying moments. In fact, i've never ever seen Kaka claiming how good he is. He's always that humble guy, out of the limelight.

Today i had my last session of a mentoring course in church office and once again i learnt so many many things. It's great to listen and watch a video of Pastor Edmund speaking for a conference in KL. This is a man who walks the talk. And those pastors that he mentor all almost take after his humility.

And i guess the one thing i learnt from him today is to learn how to cultivate the inner life. How many christians actually do not even know of the inner life, prefering to do alot of things for God, frequently "running on empty" and in the end succumbing to soul fatigue? I guess i've been like that too in the past, not knowing what is it like to live a called life.

And the symptoms of soul fatigue are a sense of rush and restlessness, a sense of boredom and a sense of isolation. It's scary because it's something i've been through and i can totally understand what he was saying. And he had this to share :

Jeremiah 2:5
Thus says the Lord:
"What wrong did your fathers find in me that they went far from me, and went after worthlessness, and became worthless?"

The context of this was the prophet Jeremiah, upon receiving God's word went to tell the people of Israel, because while God has been so faithful to them, many times, they chose to rebel against God and chased after idols and not keep God's commands.

And this verse also applies in this generation. How often have i went after worthlessness, went after things that are not of eternal value, chased after the idols in my heart, and missed out on the great God? The message is simple. Chase after worthlessness, you'll be worthless. Chase after emptiness, you'll be worthless. Soon in this world, we'll just lose our identities. Who are we? Who am i? What is your purpose for your life?

Chase after God, because he alone is worthy. What is holding you back?

Yesterday the most incredible of the incredibles happened! A CG friend accidentally THREW my retainers down the bin chute!

It's incredible and i guess it's still worth a few chuckles now. We were celebrating Angeline's birthday, who happened to be eric's fiancee. So we had the cake and all, and i had to take out my retainers while eating the cake and so i wrapped it in 2 pieces of tissue and just left it on the table where the cake was and thereafter went around talking to pple...

And then came the time to pack up soon and we were all leaving eric's place when i suddenly realised that my retainers were gone. I hurried back to the house and i just could not find it. It was at that moment that i realised that someone might have thrown it away. Angeline came back in and she said that she might have thrown it together with the cake boxes and the other pieces of tissue paper.

Gosh!! It costs like $200? But strangely, throughout the whole ordeal, not once did i ever blame her and i let her know that right from the start. And what made it all the more dramatic was during the bible study and sharing session, we talked about our fears and some ways in which they can be overcome and i shared with them the principle that has anchored me in recent weeks which is :

1) God loves me
2) God is in control
3) God will provide

And throughout this whole ordeal, i kept repeating that to myself in my mind and i'm glad that i was not as gan chiong as i used to be. We contacted the security guard (he was living in a condo), and he brought down a set of keys, all the while preparing us for keys not working since the cleaner sometimes takes home the key. So we went to the rubbish chute 1 and while trying to open the lock, we heard something loud, falling down the chute. And when i say loud, it was really loud, making lots of clanging noises along the way before falling with a loud "THUMP!" And you should have seen my face, starting to grow abit white...

The keys could not open the lock. And to our stunning revelation, there were a few other chutes and thank God, we realised that the chute belonging to eric's place was not the first chute. However, the keys still could not open and all the while i was still reminding myself that God is on his throne.

Wierdly, i did not even question why it happened, but i knew that it happened for a reason and probably there was a lesson to learn from that. After some exchanges between the security guards via the walkie talkie, they found another bunch of keys and i personally went to collect it.

And along the way, i prayed and asked God to help me again. And the keys worked! So we opened chute number 4, but alas, we couldn't find the pink plastic bag. So all our hopes rested on chute number 3 now. We opened it and i saw the pink plastic bag and while eric helped me by rummaging through that plastic bag, i went to probe around in the big bin and i saw the tissue that i threw down earlier..heh heh just a side info. ha

And eric found my retainers!! If i wasn't all stinky and disgusting then, i would have raised my retainers above my head and celebrated there and then but common sense prevailed and i immediately cleaned my retainers before going off to wash my hands. As of now, i'm still disinfecting my retainers with warm salt water last night, and anti-bacteria mouthwash this morning. Thank God for no vomit, dog poo and whatever other disgusting things pple throw down the chute.

Just so thankful for the people there lar. My cell group members. Some of them lar, the rest left abit earlier before i realised my retainers were gone. And jessica and maybel were so evil!! Just laughing and laughing throughout man! Wah unbelievable! And yet at the end, i still felt the tremendous peace, knowing that God is in control of everything. Even if my retainers were to be crushed and i had to make new ones, God is still in control and there must be a reason why he allowed it to happen.

Great day, great night. What more can i ask for?

And still a very exciting happened today!! The package from NUS finally arrived and i will be starting school on the 6 August!! So excited and yet nervous. What is it going to be like, the anxiety is killing me and yet i kill lament the lack of time till school starts. So many many books to read and so many things to do! Oh well, i just have to learn how to manage my time better and not spend 2 hours in my morning back in dreamland.

Last friday i decided to take time out from my schedule and head down to east coast park in the morning to pray and to seek God. And the experience was tremendous. I had a few concerns regarding my cell group and small group as a whole and i felt that i needed to seek God for some answers. It was quite irritating because just as i was starting to be still and just pray in a nice quiet pavilion on my own, an old couple entered and somehow they were talking quite loudly and were quite distracting and while i did not hold any grudges against them, i felt that i needed to leave in order to concentrate.

So i left for another pavilion and this time i had a wonderful time, just sitting there, reading the bible, listening to God speaking on how to go about a sharing for Monday's cg, just praying and enjoying the time spent talking to him. But suddenly, a group of men, also came into the pavilion and started to talk very loudly in hokkien and used many expletives and try as i might, i can't shut off the voices man. They were talking to loudly and i dun wanna mention the exact details of what they say...

Just that whatever they say is not that good. Something about "itch", "cream", "wash with seawater", "i also experienced it before" and for those who know, well you know lar. And this time, i left the pavilion with abit of a grudging attitude, but i went to my car and got my guitar out and started to sing and play to god. It's just so enjoyable, sitting by the seaside and just singing to no one but god. I'm tone deaf, but i'm sure god wouldn't mind! Hahaha!

And as i was singing the song "I have loved you", i suddenly felt that god was telling me that he loved those men too. Those men that i find so difficult to love and to accept, he also loves them. And so i started to sing god's love over them, and to pray for them while singing also and there's just this strange new feeling in my heart, a new peace, the exact same feeling when i align my will with god's and i just continued to sing the songs to him. A great time.

And thereafter, spent time cycling with zixu. That guy is incorrigible, actually turned up 2 hours late but was nice to treat me to sugar cane so i'm fine. In fact i was having such a good time with God that i did not blame him for being late at all. He was just nice, on time when i ended my meeting with god that day. We talked and discuss about God and it's quite interesting some things he said. And i know that i would never ever be able to convince him but i'm still glad we talked because it's interesting to hear his point of views. Very interesting!

Sat afternoon was spent with CG at the mind's cafe and though it was a small group, Eric, Maybel, Felicia, and Wendy, it was really fun man. Brainless fun some of the games and i realised that eric has faster than usual reaction! Thank God for the fun time we had man! Alright super long entry and i hope i'll be able to post some pictures in future!!

The past 2 weeks have been absolutely phenomenal man! The month before this 2 weeks have been a month of suffering. There was a lot of pain and darkness in my heart and try as i could, i couldn't deal with it and was just coasting through life, trying to persevere through the pain and i'm glad that there are people there who stood unwavering by me, just listening to me. Yup that's all i needed at that time, because i knew what i had to do just that i couldn't do it.

I wanted to continue to wrestle with God, to fight with him. He was speaking to me about something in my life, and i just did not want him to cut it away. But i knew in my mind that it had to be done and it must be done. So began the titanic struggle between my mind and my heart. And of course between God's will and my own. While the battle was taking place, the sickening darkness in my heart was growing, just like the black suit on spiderman, threatening to engulf me fully.

Thankfully, God brought this book into my life, called Ordering your Private World. Actually i had this book since 2005, just that i had so many books that i didn't really read it. And somehow through the promptings of my CGL and through my heart, i knew i just had to start reading that book first among others. And true enough, i gained timeless truth and wonderful insights into my own character and my walk with God.

And from then on, i just surrendered and gave up and was wonderfully restored. So great to not be fighting with God, and finally i grew up and understood more about myself and about God. It's indescribable.

Oh and to the people out there who think we only read bible, pray, worship on sunday only, you're wrong! That's why people always say christianity is not a religion. It's a life. A life as a disciple to the Master teacher Jesus. Reading bible, praying should be part of what a christian does daily. Maybe you guys think that christianity is a weakling religion, forever praying. But praying is not just we talking to god, but god also speaking to us and it's like a conversation. Abit out of this world and hard to explain but there's this relationship that's so special.

I'm so glad man. So happy. Excited again.