It's the new year and i glad i started it on the right foot with God once again this year. I went to church at 6am for the dawn prayer that would last a week. This is going to be a strong test for me..waking up sooooo early! I remember that i also came for the dawn prayer on 1Jan 2006, in the midst of my backsliding and not going to church. So glad that 1 year later, i feel more intimate with God already.

Today Ps edmund spoke from Ecclesiastes 7:8-10. And in it wrote about the need to not only start well, but to end well too. To surrender the haughty and proud spirit and be meek and humble. And of course to be patient instead of being impatient all the time and to be slow to anger. Such wise words. I believe that i really need to submit to God in this area. Pride, anger, impatience.

One of such manifestations is on the road. I am really really prone to road rage. If there's 2 areas in my life which always never fails to irritate me, this is 1 of them. The other is fetching my sister at late timings whem i'm tired.

I remember this once, i was turning out from my house and i saw a taxi more than 100m away. I naturally turned out but this taxi was speeding like mad and catched up with me in no time and he actually flashed the lights at me. I saw that he was trying to go to the right to overtake me and i retaliated. I immediately tried to switch to the right lane too but luckily i didn't manage to because the front of the taxi was in line with my rear and it would have resulted in an accident. So after the taxi has overtaken me and switched back to my lane, i honked him repeatedly.

And all this while, God was wrestling with me and telling me to stop it. And i actually ignored it and do it my way. After that naturally i felt guilty lar. That's just 1 of many incidents that has happened this year. So my 1 new year resolution for the year 2007 is to follow God with all of my heart, soul, strength and mind. Even to the level of humbling myself before him, and not doing it my way, i'll do it. And i hope that next year, as i choose to follow him more and mine less, i hope that there'll be fewer cases of me retaliating in anger.

Anyway, yesterday was Ms Tammie Ho's farewell. She is going to the UK to study and so will relinquish control of the nj soccer team. This is a woman, who has managed to command fear, awe and respect from me. There was an incident, during the malacca trip in 2004 march holidays. I bought some vcds from malaysia, and they were originals. When ms ho found out, she screamed and screamed and screamed at me non-stop. And i found it ridiculous at that time, after all they were originals. However, after a few months and more maturity, i realised that what she did was right.

In singapore, vcds and media not cleared by the media and censorship authority of singapore is deemed illegal. Not only was she a very dedicated soccer teacher-in-charge, she also made herself responsible for everyone's moral and character development. And for that i respect her. She looks different from the past and i'm just glad that after 2 years, we've met again. Our team of 03/04 presented her with a photo, the only photo of the team in malacca! She was very happy. Like i always believe, though the developing cost is cheap, and the acrylic frame is not very expensive, yet the memories it can bring to 1 is priceless.

Next up, weibin's 21st birthday celebration! I reached there the latest and the whole place was bustling with activity! Such an interesting sight to see all the relatives, friends, classmates, army friends all coming together to celebrate weibin's birthday! I made him a....*drumrolls* collage! hahaha and i'm glad that he relaly liked it. I guess while the idea of a collage may sound boring and overused my me, given that it's the 4th or 5th that i've done, i guess for different people receiving it, it has different meanings.

And yea, just like the nj soccer team, they were shocked at the number of photos that they've not seen nor received! Haha all are with me...sigh..And weibin is such a wonderful host to everyone! Can really tell that he was enjoying himself running about, serving and greeting people. His family is really really uber family-oriented. Cousins of more than 10 years age gap playing together like children and i really really really envy that scenario.

I'm seriously a wierd person. I can't seem to bring out the playful and child-like side of me whenever i'm with my family. I'm just like an aloof, older brother, just keeping to himself and just doing his own stuff even though my sisters many times tried to involve me like playing cards etc but i just can't do it. And it really pains me, this inertia. Some of you may know that i'm interested in working with children, in orphanages or in children's home and if i can't even be the fun loving self, how to play with the kids?

Well, just glad to usher in the new year! haha have fun everybody!

It's me again! 2nd post in the same day. Just wanted to blog about my experience, at the town centre. Hmmm, i guess i've been sleepwalking most of my life and sometimes i do not take my thoughts seriously. As i journeyed to this town centre which i frequent for my meals, i suddenly felt so blown over by all the festivities!

It's not even new year, yet vendors were already touting those new year "chun lians", those hang-ups with blessings and there was just so many many many people. "Offer! Offer! Offer!" was all i could hear in the bustling crowd. But as i looked around, most of the people belonged to the 2nd generation. The stall owners also belonged to the 2nd generation. How long more would town centres last?

We who belong to the addidas and nike generation, would we actually get shoes sold in these places? We who belong to the zara, topshop and guess generation, would we buy our clothings from those shops in the town centre? I guess in the near future, there will be more vanishing trades. There will be no more neighbourhood cluster shops, because there just will not be much demand.

And those shops at old shopping centres like beauty world plaza and bukit timah shopping centre, there is hardly anyone walking around. Compare that to places like bukit panjang plaza, how can these shopping centres survive?

Well, 1 thing to be happy about though is to see hokkien speaking, heavily tattoo-ed men working in cai fan stalls and fruit stalls. At least these people who once roamed the streets aimlessly are beginning to find work, instead of just lazing down at home and being a burden to their families.

ok haha nonsense post..haha

busy and tired

This has really been an uber busy and tired few days which all started before christmas. Every night i was busy, and then meeting up with fiona, before she leaves for a 6 month study in Atlanta.

And for once, i got down to make another present for a friend. This is the 2nd miracle of the year. The first miracle was me making a present for the class christmas gift exchange. I also do not know what's gone into me but I have been making collages though the designs are all about the same. Tiring though! Have been sleeping at like 2+ every night and then waking up at 7+ to work. And work's been equally if not more tiring.

And not to mention that my mum's birthday was yesterday and i also had to rush out her gift. Wow man..can u imagine how busy and tiring it was? And yesterday, had to celebrate my mum's bday through a dinner and then go to send fiona off at the airport! Initially, i thought that it was all a prank, and i still had some hope that somehow you guys can turn up.

Well, my guess was wrong and i was a little disappointed at first. I guess it's expectations vs reality. And i was a little angry and disappointed with myself too. So many what ifs floated around all the time, and i found it hard to forgive myself initially. But after awhile, i guess some things do happen la, and it might not necessarily be my fault.

But well, i passed her her gift and i tynk she was touched, because as her friend of 8 years, i've not been someone who gives gifts. Worse, sometimes i even give nonsense, takes the sincerity off the giving. I remember giving her a cancer zodiac thing when she was a geminian when i was in sec3. And in sec2, i think i gave her some buddhist figurine when she was a christian. She always never fails to remind me of all these lar!

She should have reached US by now, and US is 12 hours behind us, meaning it's about 2pm 29/12/06 now. So somehow, her journey to US is like flying against time. Cool man. She gets an extra 1/2 day!

I've also been rather short-tempered recently i think, and have snapped more easily than before. But what amazed me was the event that happened tonight. I just came home from cg, tired after going back to work today, and from all the late nights, and my second sister as usual called me to pick her up. It was around 11pm at night. I was furious. And she also wanted me to send her friend home.

I'm so tired and yet i had to do it? But thinking that my mum will not sleep till she gets back, i grudgingly obliged. My mum has a constant worry for us especially when we come back late. So i was just very very angry in my mind, but somehow i guess God led me to remember of the times i scolded my sister in the car and it got all messed up with me feeling more guilty than ever, and with my sister coming home even later than before.

I knew it was my sore spot, i knew that i would surely blow up and i prayed and ask God to help me be less angry, while driving there. I also kept asking myself, what would jesus do? And then i realised that God will never ever blame you no matter how late you are, as long as you still turn up. And I was glad that God turned up, because this time, i actually said hi to both of them and smiled, and i meant it. I meant it with all my heart when i said Hi and when i smiled, nothing fake about it. And i actually talked nicely to my sister, asking her about her tournament yesterday etc.

It's a journey of faith. Sometimes it's so easy to just vent your anger, the feeling is shiok temporarily, but the scar in both persons is permanent. A little hurt everytime can be a huge hurt. It's funny how God knew I'd be angry everytime i have to send her home so late, and having to fetch her friend home, and yet i kept on having such requests. I'm just glad i decided to do it God's way, instead of my own way. Thank God that i did not hurt my sister with my words and body language tonight...

The Christmas season is almost over, and i am just so thankful for this wonderful season. On the 23 Dec, my sister actually accepted Christ as her Lord and Savior during a youth rock concert which my cousins invited us to. The moment i knew she accepted Christ, i started praying for her in my heart, thanking God.

You know how i said that God's timing is perfect? It really is and is still is, and forever will be. Somehow, i went to this SKS bookstore, an incredibly huge bookstore selling Christian books. And i went there for the sole purpose of buying a bible for my sister. This happened about 1 month ago, and i planned to give this bible to my sister as a Christmas present, regardles of whether she accepted Christ or not.

Then about 1-2 weeks later, my aunt invited us to her church's youth concert, in which my cousin was performing. And my sister was quite enthusiastic about it. At 1 point, i was really tired with 3 appointments that day that i really felt like not going. Then i got reminded by God of my promise to bring my sister to that concert made weeks ago, and i just trusted him completely.

And on that day, my prayers were answered. Naturally, i was late in meeting my class peeps for the christmas party and i really am sorry for it. But nothing comes close to the salvation of a loved one. Nothing. Now i'm just praying to find a good mentor for my sister, someone who can lead her and guide her in this new and exciting journey.

When i went for the class christmas party, it was already ending, and i still had to wrap the presents i got for jas and zixu. Felt so bad that i had to use zixu's wrapping paper to wrap the present that i'm giving him...hahaha, but funny nonetheless! We had our gift exchange and this is a nice picture.

Earlier in the day, i met up with fiona, agnes and norman and it was supposed to be the farewell for our dear fiona (fifi) who is going to be studying in the states for 6 months. We basically watched a movie, ate pepper lunch and helped agnes hunt for a pair of nice green shoes. It was nice to just spend time with them again. Seldom do we spend time together and norman just posed me a challenge man. He is planning an outing on wed, to go to partyworld ktv, and i really really really can't sing and dun wanna go to such places, but i guess for fiona's sake, i might just grace the occasion with my presence....

Nonetheless, i just hope we'll be able to spend some time together, before we part for 6 months. Come to think of it, it's quite sad even though people kept saying that 6 months is short. To say that fiona is one of my best friends would be a gross understatement. She's really 1 of those few who understands me, and who knows me. She knows my struggles and all that i'm going through, just as i know hers even though we seldom talk on the phone.

I'll miss her. Really i guess.

It's already close to the 26th of dec. It's time to do some introspection of my overall year, and to do some basic planning for the year ahead.

The 4 sheets of paper

The more i look into my life, the more i really feel sinful and disgusted with myself, especially my past. It's true when people say the past will always return to haunt you. In this case, i'm still struggling for forgiveness, the courage to forgive myself for whatever i've done. In light of God's forgiveness for me, by right, i should already feel forgiven, but i just can't, yet. I believe i will, eventually, with god by my side.

This issue is just like a garden. On the surface, there are many pebbles which you can pick up easily. But unbeknownst to us, beneath the surface, there are actually so many boulders. I'm currently at this phase or digging a little deeper into my heart, and reaching out to these boulders. No point hiding or running from my past. I must learn how to forgive myself.

That said, i totally agree with this sentence "The world's best computer cannot even be compared to the brain of a retarded ant". I forgot who said it, but i will remember in due time. God is so magnificent to have created us, humans, as the most powerful computers on the planet.

Think about it, how much space can a hard disk on a computer store? And a human brain? Almost unlimited. A capacity to store all those information in our entire lives, whether good or bad. All our achievements and all our mistakes, our guilt and the ability to process and think through all those information, it's just amazing isn't it?

And, our brains, unlike our hard disk, cannot be overwritten and erased at our whim. We can never ever delete the unhappy and painful times, the guilty times and just retain the happy times.

Ok anyway, there was once this brilliant man, who once asked a question during a group meeting with a christian leader. "What do you tell a man who knows that there's a God but does not believe that he has sinned?"

And this leader wisely said, " When you go home, take out 4 pieces of blank paper.
On the 1st sheet, write down all the times you said yes when you wanted to say no, and all the times when you said no when you wanted to say yes, and all the times that you've lied to people in your life.
On the 2nd sheet, write down all the things that when disclosed to the public, or to your family, would cause grave embarrassment to you and would bring shame to yourself and your family.
On the 3rd sheet, write down all the things that you've done to people which you never ever want people to do to you.
On the 4th sheet, write down all the good things you have done which is worthy of praise.

This man, went home and did just that. What do you think happened?

What are the things on your 4 sheets of paper??

Do you dare write out this 4 sheets?

Someone told me that my blog is too serious! Haha unbelievable. Serious is the word to describe my blog? I never knew i could be serious! However the following thoughts are my own only and this is one of the only place that i can say all this since most people do not like talking about such stuff.

It's been an eventful few weeks, and my mum is currently still recuperating well at home. Thanks to all who prayed for her and of course to all my relatives for offering to come over once in a while to cook lunch for her etc. I'm sure she appreciated all those.

Anyway for those who are closer to me, i'm still currently struggling with the transition from my present self to an adult. I find it so difficult. It's like going through puberty all over again, sans raging hormones.

Ok enough about me, last fri some of my jc classmates came to watch a musical at my church. I do not know what they think about the musical, but personally, i felt that it was good, abeit not as good as the one 2 years ago but still good effort there! This time, it was less of a story than the last time. I remembered being enthralled by the good plot. Nevertheless, the songs this time are nice and i've been trying to look for those songs but i can't find! argh..

I've lost my momentum to blog again. But well, it's good to return to office, at least i'll be doing work instead of wasting time daily.

One of the highlights for me this week was my rejected application for IDT at my church. For those who do not know, it is an intensive 2 year training programme, with the senior pastor teaching us how to get back to the basics. While of course i was disappointed with being rejected, after awhile, i started to rejoice and give thanks to God.

You see, this course is going to be on every friday, and i cannot miss more than 3 lessons per semester, or i'll be asked to re-consider if i would still like to be in the programme. Anyway, now my june schedule can be freed up to other months! And i can go backpacking, mission trips, short trips out of the country etc! So what's there to be so sad about?

And then i'll be accepted in the July 2006 batch, by which time i would expect myself to have finished what i wanted to do in my break. Wonderful man! God must have known that i was a little bit reluctant. haha

I read the papers yesterday and if i did not remember wrongly, there was a headline which read "4th MRT death in 2 months". So suicide via mrt seems to be the in thing now. All these suicides come on the back of the first case which managed to garner alot of sympathy donations totalling up to $10k. And i remember a clumnist once wrote that while donations are based on good intentions, the backlash would be tremendous. What great foresight.

For me, I can't help but feel that these people are extremely selfish. I know among you out there, would feel that i'm being disrespectful to the dead. It's true, i do not respect them at all, in fact i feel sad for them. What can be so great to even contemplate taking your own life? Starving african orphans are not committing suicide, in fact they dig daily at the various rubbish dumps, all in the hope to live.

Cancer-striken patients are not ending their own lives, in fact they're trying out newer drugs in the hope that they might live. And here are people, healthy committing suicide, showing such great disrespect to life.

Still some of you might say freedom! They have the freedom and the right to choose when to die. That's exactly where they're selfish. Their one moment of freedom led to the many restrictions of others. Think of the numerous people who suffered due to the disrupted train services. Employees who were late to work, people late for important meetings. And these numbered into the tens of thousands!

How about their family? The psychological effect on their family members. Children. How would they feel? Frankly, if i were their children, i would rather live poor and have a complete family than living more comfortably with a broken family.

Then how about the train driver? Although he did not intend to "murder" the suicide guy, but it's a fact that the train he drove killed him. Think of the psychological damage and nightmares, the guilt that will plague him. And the councellors needed to councel him? The no-paid leave that he needs to take in order to recover from that nightmare?

How can? Seriously, how can these people be so selfish as to affect so many people. The cost of their freedom is the restriction and the shackles that they inflicted on others.

So are they selfish?

In God's time

The more i think about it, the more i'm awed about God's timing. It's never early, it's never late and it is always ON TIME!! Sometimes we wonder why is God so late?? But when i look back, i realised that he is never ever late.

Went to east coast park with Val yesterday. We cycled and thereafter, i spent some time praying for my mum. Thanks val for accompanying me! You're an extremely safe and good driver! Anyway, i read a book and it spoke about seeking God's kingdom first. I usually suffer from cluttered thoughts, and so this time i decided to seek his Kingdom first and surprisingly, i enjoyed the prayer session thoroughly. I begin to see the big picture and all my problems, all my wants just seem so insignificant. So happy!!

After my prayer session, we decided to head down to cineleisure to watch The battle of Wits, or Mo Gong. The movie was supposed to start at 5.40pm. We reached the public carpark at 5.20pm and started debating if we should park at cineleisure or park there. Considered all the parking costs fully, esp since me the giam gui was in the car with her. By the time we got out and reached the ticketing counter, it was 5.33pm.

Hmmm..I proceeded to buy the tickets, and i saw 2 seats at the back. I could hardly believe my eyes because the whole theatre was full save for this 2 seats. And i was shocked.
Me : So this 2 are front seats?
Counter : No, back seats.
Me : How can it be?!?!
Counter : Maybe someone book but last minute withdraw??
Me : Okok gimme that!!

And i was still in shock and in awe after so long. I just realised that me and val were rather naive and foolish. Wanting to get tickets for a show like 5min before it was going to start during the holidays?! Foolish!

But from there, i learnt about God's timing. It is just like that. Always on time. Never early, never late. Think about it, if me and val did not debate in the car, we would have gotten out earlier and the person might not have released the tickets. Even if the tickets were released, other people might have bought it. The timing was perfect in that sense. The time taken to walk to cine, the time taken in the lift, the time taken to park properly, to consider the safest place to park without getting ambushed by bird shit..wow man!

God is fantastic!

Oh and my mum had her op today. Thank God it went fine. My aunt prayed with her before she went in. Thank God for that! She came out late, but Thank God for that, because the operation was a success. Thank God for my aunts who came to visit. Thank God for her friend Rabiah, who wants to stay back in hospital to look after my mum. Can you say my mum isn't blessed by God?

I pray God will help her recover in HIS time!